police log

Police Log

Written by lin_vict on . Posted in Judicial Logs

BY SEAN HARRINGTON & BRIAN SHEA

Lactose Intolerant
A Resident Assistant called University Police to report spilled milk in Forest Hall. The dispatch officer responded, “Don’t cry over it.” All clear.

Cop Cop, Hop Hop
Last Monday, University Police received a call from a distraught faculty member. This troubled tenure-monger was having an issue with his car: he could not figure out how to jump it. There are not many times when we—scut-loving, idiotic Police Log “authors”—get to turn the tables and teach an esteemed professor, so we are going to capitalize on this opportunity. Mr. Professor: in order to jump your car you should probably get a running start, aim to go over the hood (it is the lowest part, duh) and have a safe landing spot. It’s really easy… jeez, professors are really lacking in common sense these days, huh?

Lost
At approximately 9:00 p.m. last Wednesday, a student notified dispatch of a seemingly astray guest on the Bentley University campus. The reported wanderer was a young boy (estimated to be of approximately middle school age) and he was roaming alone near Lewis Hall/Dana Center. An officer was immediately deployed to the scene, but a search of the area yielded no results; the child appeared to have found his way. Damn…we were this close to catching Justin Bieber AGAIN! He always seems to slip away right before we have him in our grasp. Justin, if you’re reading this, we have plenty of Brazilian prostitutes here for you!! Just come back please!!!

Identity Problems
Last Thursday afternoon, a student called University Police with a request to speak with an officer. The student reported that he had been receiving a number of suspicious phone calls and was concerned that the person was trying to steal his identity. Alright, we as Police Log writers have seen our fair share of moronic criminals, but this has got to be the worst identity thief of all time. Rule number one in Identity Theft School is to never call your subject and ask them stuff about themselves… that’s noob-city. Ever heard of Facebook-creeping, buddy? How about stealing some credit cards? Or even doing some good ole stalking? Nope… this dude just straight up calls and asks for the deets– straight from the source. See, this is the problem with our generation; we’re too damn lazy. Take some pride in your identity theft, for goodness sake!

You’re Doing It Wrong
At 7:11 on 11/11, an officer stopped an obviously confused driver from out of state. Said driver was given a verbal lashing for a crosswalk violation. Apparently, he didn’t know that every single road rule is different here in the crazy commonwealth. This dude slowed down to let pedestrians meander from one side of the street to the other. That’s just not how things work around here. Au contraire, when we see those yellow lines, we treat them like the random speed patches that you used to see in Crash Team Racing. For those who don’t know, when you approach a Massachusetts crosswalk, blast “Boneless,” rev your engine and blast through those lines like you’re on the last lap at Polar Pass.

Club Jenn
Last Friday night, a Security Officer hit up the 218 level and found a really expensive watch and a wicked nice scarf. Wondering where the 218 level is? Well, to our shock, it’s not the chic new underground club on campus. Rather, it’s that random parking lot behind Jennison and beside Smith. With a name like that, though, maybe Bentley should invest in a few strobe lights and a retractable roof.

Power Hour
The following events happened in a span of 82 minutes last Saturday night: an RA reported an unresponsive student in Fenway, a building manager reported a huge spill in the Student Center, an RA reported a yakking dude in Elm, an RA reported a Fenway projectile vomiter, an RA reported a less-than-responsive male in CoSo, a student reported three males uprooting trees on College Drive and throwing them into the roadway, an RA reported a broken fire extinguisher in Forest and an RA reported a puking chick in Oak. We repeat… 82 minutes. Get your sh*t together, campus.

Freshman Puke Count
Back by unfortunate demand, the Freshman Puke Count makes its triumphant return to the police logs this week. A whopping NINE freshies got sicker with liquor last week. Do less, freshmen…

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