Police Log

Written by admin on . Posted in News

Sean Harrington and Brian Shea
A Suite Gets Soaked
March 30 will forever be known as “Falcone Flood Friday.” Just a couple of weeks ago, officers were dispatched to Falcone West for a report of a massive water spill. Upon arrival, they were told that the sprinkler system had malfunctioned and a suite had flooded. The residents, luckily, had built an ark and rounded up two of every textbook. However, the inch-deep water still caused significant damage to the room. Something tells us that the Mayhem dude from the Allstate commercials is behind this somehow.
Minutes
Last Sunday morning, a student notified University Police that a table and chairs were found in the Fenway elevator. This discovery sparked the interest of these curious reporters, so we decided to do some journalistic digging on the matter. According to various reports, the furniture was left by a group called “D.R.U.B.K.”: Discussing with Razzled Undergraduates ‘Bout Kragers (Krazy Ragers). D.R.U.B.K. decided to take their weekly meeting straight into the heartland of Bentley parties to hear students’ firsthand complaints. Of course, they picked a very good meeting place: the Fenway elevator provides service to countless crying co-eds and fuming frat boys returning from sub-standard parties. Some of the complaints that D.R.U.B.K. received this week included the following: too many creepy guys standing against the creepy guy wall, chloroform-flavored jungle juice, and the very existence of Skrillex. If you missed the group last Saturday, express your concerns to D.R.U.B.K. this weekend in the Harvard Shuttle!
Bloody Buddies
On a dark Friday night, a female resident of Slade fell and hit her head. As a result of this terrible tumble, the student got a large laceration on her head and began to bleed bountifully. Luckily, her belligerently drunk friend came to save her! From the point at which an ambulance was called right up until the wheels started toward the hospital, this loyal sidekick was effectively interfering with the entire rescue mission. Apparently, the injured student is recovering well. It may take longer for her friend to get over it though – she has been charged with an underage alcohol violation, protective custody, being uncooperative with administrative personnel, and disrespect to administrative personnel. Hey, at least this heroine will be able to tell of her great efforts 20 years from now. She probably just shouldn’t ever drive a getaway car.
Fightin’ Chance
It would appear that a Bentley student had a bit too much “punch” last weekend, as University Police were called to respond to a fight on lower campus. Officers were greeted by an agitated male student who was reportedly banging on doors in Copley South. The student was uncooperative with authorities, and behaved in a very disrespectful manner. Judging by the reported bruises, the pregame wasn’t the only place where this student took body shots. Our Rocky Balboa wannabe was arrested on the spot and will be smacked judicially with charges of disrespect for administrative personnel, disorderly conduct, and a college rules violation. A knock-out blow!
Lowerrest
An undergraduate student was spotted holding an open container of alcohol near the Copley circle on the night of March 31. When a police officer kindly recommended that he discard the beverage, the student retorted by saying he was of legal drinking age. (We hate to be the bearers of bad news, Mr. Lawbreaker, but it doesn’t matter if you’re Betty freakin’ White. You can’t drink in public.) Not knowing about the legal ramifications of holding an open beer can in open space, this quick thinker began to argue with the officer. Now, he’ll be chugging a whole bunch of judicial charges, namely open consumption of alcohol, disorderly conduct, violation of college rules, disrespect to administrative personnel, and lack of cooperation with administrative personnel. Sure, a lot of these sound similar, but if you don’t want five judicial charges, don’t consume beer on the Copley Sphere. Even if you’re 29, stay away from the whine.
Naptime
University Police responded to the Student Center last Saturday evening for a report of a girl who was, well, a little sleepy. According to reports, the female party was unconscious just prior to the officers’ arrival. After a few minutes of grogginess, the female was administered a sobriety test…which she failed miserably. Now, given the circumstances (passed out in the middle of the Student Center on a Saturday night), it is very likely that this girl was indeed intoxicated… but can’t we cut her a little slack? I guarantee that 9 out of 10 would not be able to touch your nose with your index finger either after just waking up. Heck, we can hardly figure out how to hit the snooze button on our alarms in the morning, let alone pass a field sobriety test! If this is the law, then these reporters are pretty sure that every person who takes an 8:30 class should be thrown straight in the clink.
Freshman Puke Count
This week, our proud freshmen paid tribute to the newly retired Antoine Walker with eight documented pukers. We knew that the low totals from the last couple of weeks wouldn’t last, didn’t we? Well, the run was good while it lasted. It should get interesting when Zdeno Chara retires…

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