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Tablet Troubles
University Police received a complaint last week about an iPad that had apparently been stolen from a classroom in Smith. The owner had left to use the restroom, and when she returned her computer had vanished.
The culprit here is mind numbingly clear: It was Steve Jobs. Ok, we all know you were paranoid about protecting your products, but this is really too far. You just HAD to resurrect yourself and steal every Apple product on the planet so that you can bring it up to the “cloud” with you, didn’t you? Have a little pride, man. Bill “Pearly” Gates is laughing at you right now. (Too soon?)
A Trough Night
There was a little too much horseplay going on in Fenway on the night of Saturday 15. University Police received a call from a student who reported that spilled liquid and hay were scattered throughout the building. Apparently, some Smarty Jones thought it would be cool to show his Funny Cide by wasting valuable training resources.
Mentally, this dude must have been un-Stable. You don’t just strew water and hay around like it’s nothing! Once this is squared straight away, an RA (or a War Admiral) will most likely crack the whip on this Easy Goer.
Crash Into Me
Last Monday at about 8:30 a.m., a caller reported having almost been hit by an oncoming vehicle while she was crossing the street. The caller, who is a staff member, told University Police that it was a Bentley Facilities car that nearly caused the collision.
These reporters have come to this conclusion about this curious situation: It doesn’t make sense. Just think about it: Where in the name of Abraham Lincoln’s grandmother is a facilities truck going IN A RUSH?!? Facilities does not “do” timeliness: We’re pretty sure the heating system in our room hasn’t worked since Nam.
Angry Beavers
On the morning of Sunday, October 16, an officer reported a disabled vehicle that was stuck on Beaver Street. Now, we feel badly about the vehicle having a physical problem, but we think that calling it “disabled” is a tad offensive.
As you can see from our statement, we’re pretty sympathetic. That’s a quality that sets us humans apart from savage animals, is it not? Well, if you don’t think it is, then please try explaining this story to me. A vehicle gets stuck on Beaver Street? If you ask me, the beavers who occupy the street (and who the street is obviously named after) built a dam in anticipation of this differently abled vehicle. Showing no regard for human life, the beavers constructed this dam in the middle of the road, halting the poor vehicle in its tracks.
At this point, the car was hopeless. Luckily, the Waltham Police Department and a tow company were sent a distress signal, and they came to the rescue as soon as possible. Chalk another win up for humans – we really are better than swamp creatures, no matter how angry the beavers are.
Rhoasting Rhodes
Last week, University Police’s attention was sparked by a fire in Rhodes Hall. Apparently, a student was using a toaster oven when a bit of food made contact with the hot surface. When smoke began emanating from the toaster, the resident knew she was in a bit of a jam.
There was indeed a flame, butter instincts were good: She smothered the flame as quickly as possible before it could spread anymore. While the student may be toast when she goes to Judicial, she should be happy that she was not cooked for real.
We’re not Drinking This Kool-Aid
On Monday, October 17, officers spoke with a Copley South resident regarding damage to a wall. As it turns out, the student reportedly either kicked the wall or smashed it with an object. In our humble opinion, this kid is getting framed, as we all know who the real culprit is here: The Kool-Aid man.
Indeed, this annoying jug of water, sugar and red dye #40 busts through the wall to affirmatively correct you every time you say, “Oh no!” He may think he’s breaking down barriers, but he’s really just being a public nuisance. Effective immediately, we are offering a $4.57 award to anyone brave enough to bring this criminal to justice, or to Seasons.
It might be nice to have a change from Hi-C, and there are fewer walls for him to break in the Student Center. Think about it – it’s a win-win.
FRESHMAN PUKE COUNT
Our count added two additional pukers this week, bringing our semester count to 27. A relatively slow week this week… Could you possibly be growing up, frosh? Doubtful. But prove us wrong!
{ 1 comment }
This column is painfully unfunny. Stick to the old way of police blogging: report the incident, and throw in a funny line (NOT an unfunny paragraph).
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