Internet Celebrities

Here’s a quick one to get things started. The video “I don’t like you Mommy” was suggested to me on YouTube’s front page. Of course, that means I didn’t actually have to put effort into searching for something to write about, so I was ecstatic. However, I do find myself wondering why it was suggested to me. Do I perhaps have an obsession with videos featuring babies? Should I consider rethinking who I am altogether?

Potential baby-related epiphanies aside, this is a classic. In the video, the baby unveils his feelings for Mom. He stares at Mom, giant cheeks and beady eyes at his disposal, and tells her that he only likes her when she gives him cookies.

Bam, finally a dude with enough guts to say it. Sure, you could replace cookies with money, a clean house or other things that I probably shouldn’t write in here, but it’s certainly a thought we’ve all wanted to share with someone in our lives. Before you go all “this is sexist” on me, know that I understand that my value as a man on this planet is just about limited to the amount of money I make.

Anyway, so the baby likes cookies and through the transitive property likes Momma when she gives him cookies. I like food, so I like my waitress when she brings me my food. I don’t like paying for anything, so I don’t like my waitress when she brings me the bill, especially if she sets it down on MY side of the table; instant 5-percent tip deduction for that kind of shenanigan. I shall conclude by saying that the baby is fat, and not just “it’s-good-to-be-fat-because-I’m-a-baby” fat, so it is evident that Mom wants the baby to like her really, really badly.

I will continue with a cocktail party fact for you. Did you know that there are over 2,300 YouTube videos involving babies ripping paper? Drop that one-liner and you’re sure to awe the crowds more than Johnny Hairgel and his 19 companies will.

You also may have noticed that I’m going to write about babies again. This concerns me as much as it does you. If anyone has any tips for seeking help treating baby addiction please tweet me @DanBBrantley. If that doesn’t get me any more followers, it is safe to say that the only reader I have is the editor.

I think this obsession may come as a result of the limitless number of redeeming qualities that babies have. Specifically, I enjoy those qualities that humans lose when they decide to grow up and not laugh every time a piece of paper is ripped.

I mean, imagine if you could confidently approach your significant other and say, “No, I don’t think I want to spend the money to wine and dine you tonight. But, I will gladly tear this piece of paper into smaller pieces of paper. Upon completion of this, I will tear another piece for you.”

What if you forget that it’s your anniversary, and you don’t remember until the last minute? What do you do? Whip out a fine piece of Hallmark card stock and tear it to shreds; looks like you’re still getting lucky tonight.

Other redeeming qualities which I wish weren’t lost in the transition to adulthood include, but are not limited to: Bluntness (see section on why moms are really just cookie waitresses); a lack of appreciation for toilets; a general acceptance of everything I say as the truth. Perhaps next time I will elaborate more on these qualities. For now, I’m off to visit adoption agencies.